What is happening
Why young children have tantrums
Toddlers want more independence than they have skills for. They have strong feelings, but the parts of the brain that help with patience, planning and self-control are still developing, and so is their language. When a child can't get what they want, can't explain what is wrong, or feels overwhelmed, the feeling can spill out as crying, shouting, kicking or throwing themselves on the floor.
That is why reasoning with a child in the middle of a tantrum rarely works. They are not able to take in explanations until they are calm again.
Spotting patterns
Common triggers
No single thing causes every tantrum, but some situations make them much more likely:
Hunger and tiredness
Children have far less patience when they are hungry, overtired or unwell.
Transitions
Stopping play, leaving the park or turning off a screen can feel sudden and unfair.
Frustration
Wanting to do something they can't manage yet, like a tricky zip or a puzzle.
Too much going on
Busy shops, noise, crowds and long days can overload young children.
Try noting when tantrums happen for a week: the time, the place and what happened just before. Patterns often jump out quickly.
Before
Lower the chances, and the intensity
You can't prevent every tantrum, and you don't need to. But small changes can make them less frequent and less intense.
- Protect the basics
Regular meals, snacks and sleep make a big difference. Take a snack and water when you go out.
- Give warnings before changes
"Two more slides, then it's time to go." A visual timer can help too.
- Offer small choices
"Do you want to wear the red coat or the blue one?" Choices give children some control within your limits.
- Plan for tricky moments
Agree the plan before you go into the shop, and bring something to keep hands busy.
- Notice the good moments
Specific praise for coping well, such as "You waited so patiently", helps children repeat it.
During
Be the calm one, not the debater
When a tantrum starts, your goal is not to stop it instantly. It is to keep everyone safe and stay steady until the feeling passes.
- Keep everyone safe
Move anything dangerous out of the way. If your child is hitting, kicking or biting, calmly block them: "I won't let you hit."
- Use very few words
One short sentence is enough: "You're really cross. I'm here."
- Stay close and calm
Stay nearby, and keep your voice low and your body relaxed. Some children want a hug; others need a bit of space.
- Hold the limit
Try not to give in to what the tantrum was about. If crying gets the biscuit, children learn that tantrums work.
- Wait
Most tantrums pass within a few minutes. If you are in public, calmly move somewhere quieter if you can.
Look after yourself too. If you feel your own anger rising, it is okay to take a few slow breaths, or step a short distance away while your child is safe.
After
Reconnect first, then teach
Once your child is calm, offer comfort and a simple return to the day. There is no need for a long talk.
Try saying
- "That was a big feeling. You're okay now."
- "You were angry because we had to leave."
- "Next time, you can say 'I'm cross' or stamp your feet."
Try to avoid
- "You were so naughty just now."
- "Say sorry right now."
- A long lecture about what went wrong
Later, when everyone is relaxed, you can practise what to do next time through play: pretend a teddy is cross, and show how it can ask for help, take deep breaths or squeeze a cushion.
What to expect
How tantrums change with age
| Age | What is common | What helps |
|---|---|---|
| 1 to 2 years | Frustration at not being understood, or at being stopped | Distraction, comfort and simple words for feelings |
| 2 to 3 years | Battles over independence, limits and waiting | Warnings, small choices and consistent limits |
| 3 to 4 years | Disappointment, losing games and plans changing | Naming feelings, practising calming skills and problem-solving together |
| After 4 years | Tantrums usually become less frequent as language and self-control grow | Talking through feelings, and agreeing plans in advance |
When to talk to a professional
Speak to your GP, health visitor or paediatrician if:
- tantrums are getting worse, or still very frequent after age 4
- your child hurts themselves or others, or breaks things, during tantrums
- your child holds their breath and faints during tantrums
- tantrums come with other worries, such as sleep problems, loss of skills, speech delay, or a lot of anxiety
- you feel you can't cope, or worry that you might lose control
Asking for help is a sign of a caring parent. Support is available.
FAQ
Common questions
Should I ignore a tantrum?
Ignoring the demands behind a tantrum is often helpful, but try not to ignore your child. Stay nearby and calm, keep them safe, and be ready to comfort them when they are ready.
Is time-out okay for toddlers?
Short, calm breaks can help some older toddlers and preschoolers. For younger children, staying close usually works better, because they need an adult's help to calm down.
What if it happens in a shop?
Stay calm, keep your child safe, and move to a quieter spot if you can. Other parents have been there too. Try not to give in just to stop the noise.
How do I stay calm myself?
Slow breathing, reminding yourself "this is normal, it will pass", and having a plan ready all help. Looking after your own sleep and stress makes hard moments easier too.
Sources
Where this guide comes from
- American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): Temper tantrums
- NHS: Temper tantrums
- CDC: Developmental milestones
- CDC: Essentials for parenting toddlers and preschoolers
This guide is general information, not medical advice. If you are worried about your child's behaviour or development, speak to a qualified professional.
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